boys

i hate boys
i wish i didn't like any of them ever again

today i was in the hall waiting for my mom and i saw my stalkee talking to some of his friends. i was just sitting there minding my own business and i heard him say to this one girl "see that girl over there in the white skirt?" and i didn't hear anything else!!! i listened as closely as i could, and i couldn't hear a thing!!! fuck!!! i told my mom and she was like "joey (my friend's boyfriend) probably told him that you liked him and so now he's just telling his friends" and it sucks because every time i see him in the halls, he gives me weird looks (not dirty looks just weird ones) and i don't know what to do. what if he's one of those guys who once he finds out you like him, he makes things all awkward? that would suck and i would hate him. and now that i think about it, i don't really want to ask him to winter's. i think i want to ask my friend. he's pretty amazing and he really likes me and we're really close and i love him to death. did i mention he's hot? well he is..

but anyway back to stalkee. i can't decide if i really like him, but i can't tell any of my friends that or they'll freak.. they'll be "o it's just a phase!" or "why? you can totally tell he likes you. go talk to him and get his number and get his penis in your pants" and they totally won't believe me.

god i hate high school.

my master plan!!

winter's (school dance) is coming up on december 6 and it's girl's choice.. if you're wondering who i'm going to ask you're a dumbass (though you can be excused from the dumbass-ness if you haven't read any previous entries)
well i'll tell you who anyway. my stalkee.
so if you don't already know, we have almost the exact taste in music, and although i haven't asked him yet, i'm going to assume he loves bishop allen.
there is a bishop allen concert coming up on november 14 (that's about 3 weeks before winters for those too lazy to do math) and i was going to ask him (tomorrow to be exact) if he was planning on going.
if he can go then i was going to go too and ask the band before they go on stage to say "on behalf of (insert my name here) we would like to ask (insert stalkee here) to winter's on december 6"
i know it's totally cheesy and it sounds like it should be a bad teen movie, but i think it's still quite spectacular.
and if he can't go then i was going to film them saying that and play it over all the school intercoms/tvs.
i'm brilliant.
i hope i don't chicken out, and either just ask him to his face or not ask him at all. i don't think my friends would let me do that.

conversation #2

i officially had another conversation with my stalkee (whoops! i almost just said his name.. silly me) and i don't i'm a stalker anymore. i was talking to my friend who is also one of his friends and he came up and asked me if i'd heard of tv on the radio (honesty he must have been high cuz who is even remotely indie who hasn't heard of tv on the radio especially after their newest release "dear science" i urge you guys to go and get it." and then he asked me about kaki king and i said i was going to go to her concert, but i had to watch my little sister and he was like i wanted to go too, but i had to work and then i was like were you at the fleet foxes concert? and he was like no i had to work.
AND I DIDN'T ASK HIM WHERE HE WORKED!!
god i can be such a dumbass sometimes.
psh...

anyway, tonight is the last football game against our rival high school (east, for y'all who wanted to know.. and using deductive reasoning, you might have been able to figure out i go to... that's right... west!! funny how that happens, eh?) anyway it's our last game against them ever because we're getting moved to a different division :(
and my stalkee is on drum line, so he has to be there.
muahaha
my amazingness will strike yet again!
okay so should i wear the radiohead t-shirt or something black?

random sadness

is it normal to just get totally sad/depressed/just want to roll up in a little ball in the corner and go to sleep totally randomly? like i've been getting that feeling a lot, and i have no idea why. right now i feel like that. i don't want to do anything, i just want to... um... blech. i don't want to do anything. i don't even really want to talk to my stalkee tomorrow (i would have talked to him today, but he was talking to his best friend every time i saw him).
anyway, maybe i have like a depression issue. should i go to the doctor? i don't want to go to the doctor! that means i have to get flu shots.
o and i'm scared i have breast cancer. is that possible in a 14 year old? maybe it just my boobs growing, but they have like a hard center with bumps on it. god i'm scared. that would be total shit if i had breast cancer at 14. i don't think that's possible, but i'm not going to look it up, just in case it is (that's right folks! i said i'm NOT going to look it up. denial rocks!)

long weekends

why is it that teachers give you way more homework over long weekends? or they disguise the amount of homework they give you...
such as in english class she's like "i'm not giving you guys ANY homework over the 5-day weekend. but wait! i forgot you have to finish an entire novel in a week, and write about it so i guess i technically am, but i'll make you guys happy for a moment only to dash your hopes of hanging out with friends seconds later! muahaha!"
i hate teachers
well it's not like i hang out with friends all the time. i prefer to be antisocial in my room listening to music (sea wolf, modest mouse, interpol, dcfc, and los campesinos! specifically) and possible reading or going on facebook/myspace/writing on this blog. i guess i go to concerts if i can get friends to go with me, but they are usually having sleepovers ;) while playing truth or dare and making their best friends go knock on the neighbor's house at 11 at night asking for condoms. good fun.
anyway i don't hang out with friends or people in general over the weekends, holidays, or summer. at all. ask michael. or anyone. yet i still end up having to all my homework on the last day of the weekend. hm... that's odd.
plus this month my mom, sister, and i are moving into a new house so i'm packing, doing homework, listening to music, being antisocial (or e-social)
wow i'm quite the busy bee this weekend.
hehe

loneliness

is loneliness normal? i've been feeling very lonely for a long time now :(
i don't know if i'm have a strong craving for a boyfriend
or i'm growing apart from friends i've had for a long time
or it's just something i need to fucking deal with and move on
hm, reflection time...